English weather is not existing. Fact. Having rain all the time does not define a "weather", it only defines a "condition". Only if the "condition" changes you could talk about a "behaviour". And only if the "behaviour" happens more than once in 10 years (sunshine instead of rain) you can start thinking about heaving a "weather".
Therefore English weather is not existing.

But we do have goats and women. Sometimes it is quite difficult to recognize what is a goat and what is supposed to be a woman, but after a while you develop certain methods for final identification. As an example: If a goat responses immediatley with "YES!" on the question "Do you want my credit card for shopping?" you can be pretty sure you're talking to a woman.

On the other hand if you want to have sex and ask the woman politley about a hot night and the only response you get is the one about headache, you can be pretty sure your wife is a goat.

Science has even found a connection and solution between the English weather issue and the goat/women problem. In England there is nearly just rain. Rain does cause headache on certain creatures (we shall call them women here) and headache while the male part is demanding his portion of sex does cause a interruption in the harmony of males and females which leads to the phrase "My wife is a goat!". So therefore introducing proper weather in England, with sunshine, bit of snow, etc, would not cause headache. And without a headache women do like sex. And women who do like sex are liked by men as they do like sex too. Do you get the point?

Of course the whole scientific examination of this problem can be spoiled by one fact: If the women just CLAIM to have a bad time with headache. In this case they would be goats again.

What is it with people selling flowers in pubs?

You’re in your local public house enjoying a few scoops of loudmouth soup, when you spot a usually attractive young lady with a bunch of flowers in one hand, and one of those blue plastic containers with a slot in the other. These girls are not human.

You might think you can have some sexy banter with her, or that you can make her laugh. You can’t. She’s heard it all and she’s brushed off people like Robbie Williams and Angus Deayton before. She will not enjoy your jokes and she cannot sleep with you as she has no holes. Look carefully. It’s true.

Do you know someone who sells flowers down the battlecruiser? You don’t. Nobody does. These are not real people. They’re clones, or cyborgs from one possible future - I don’t know tech stuff.

Why use these repliclones? Because real women couldn’t handle the waves of drunken flower-rejection they have to endure. Because the last thing we want is to be encumbered with a bunch of flowers in a busy pub on a Friday night.

The worst situation is when you're with your girlfriend and someone tries to sell you a rose - how can you turn down such an offer without coming across like a bird-detesting anus? But you do. You try to laugh it off with a ‘I’d rather surprise you with nice flowers than buy a scabby rose off a hole-less robotic tart down the juicer.’

Nobody wants to buy flowers when they're getting outside lovely beer. But people DO want beer whilst they're buying flowers.

Imagine - you're being dragged round a garden centre by your missus. It happens to every attached man. Even Val dragged Lenny McLean round gardens centres to look at daisies when he’d rather have been pulling people’s skulls off and ramming them up their arses.

To cover your powerlessness, what you’re thinking is, if I let her buy that fucking geranium or trellis or whatever, she might let me up her later.

So in overheated tedious garden centre hell what you really need is a beer. If some big-titted lovely wobbles up with a chilled Rolling Rock, you’d pay through the nose for it.

The campaign starts here.

Prisons.

They’re massively overcrowded here in Britain, thousands of nutters sitting around on their arses.

What’s the prison population made up of?

The answer is: -

Vicious hard bastards mostly. Desperate misfits who’ll stop at nothing to give vent to they’re every malicious little desire.

These guys are just lounging around in their cells masturbating, watching quiz shows and basically costing the British tax payer a fucking fortune! Something like £30K a head, I hear.

What’s that all about?

Look, what we have here is a terrible waste of a great opportunity.

They should be put to good use, earn their fucking crust.

Right then, so let's think of another operation made up of thousands of louts sitting around with fuck all else to do but wank.

The army.

That’s right. You see where I’m going with this one huh? Maybe.

Ok here’s my proposal including some off-the-cuff plans for implementation.

Anyone sent down for a decent stretch, say the equivalent of 3 years + (the sentencing of convicted prisoners will need to be restructured) gets drafted into the penal battalions.

It’s tough, though. A 10 year minimum stretch, a training regime so hard and so strict that only 60-70% will even survive it, let along make the grade. Those unfit or just too wild to make the regiment will be treated and found other useful work *

For those who make it there will be advantages, a reason to live, the camaraderie of the regiment, and newfound self-respect.

There will be more tangible pay offs too. Though they will remain ‘locked up’ they will get better facilities. Current army bases will be made secure for containment. Here they will get plenty of exercise and decent food too.
Once a man has served 5 years without trouble, his wife and kids (if he has them)will be allowed to move onto the base (though the family units will be separate from the main barracks) and they may even get day or weekend passes (any regiment member causing any kind of shit on a pass will suffer (i.e. probably die) at the hands of his fellows as his whole company is very severely punished for his actions).

Initially command will be assumed by existing experiences army leaders of all ranks, but later prison soldiers may rise in the ranks and take some responsibility.

A lot of guys currently in the army as volunteer soldiers, less suited than the cons to combat duties by dint of they’re innate civility could be freed up for other duties.

The penal battalions will be on a rigorous and constant program of tough training and battle conditions exercises.

These people are so well suited to this set up its madness that it hasn’t been done already, it would be the making of most of them, I’ll bet after a 10 year stretch most of them wouldn’t even leave, especially if you start to pay them properly to stay on after they’re sentence. Even if they left for civilian life they would be so completely reprogrammed by they’re time in the regiment that they should pose no further threat to society

Shit these guys could be, with effort moulded into the best, hardest fighting force in the friggin’ world……….effectively for free!!!!!

I’m a firm believer in people being allowed to excel in the sphere in which they’re talents lay, these particular people excel in mindless violence, acts of extreme brutality and unthinking unfeeling wonton destruction of life and limb, they’re made for the fucking penal battalions………its perfect.

Tell me I’m wrong.

* Medical experiments for example