Right. The film Pearl Harbour (we’re British so we spell it properly). I haven’t seen it but that won’t stop me commenting on it. The premise is great. It shows a historical event, when a load of Japs stormed over with torpedoes and bombs and administered rather a painful shoeing to the US Navy’s Pacific Fleet.

Now that would make a fine film. Action, suspense, the sense that things have gone tits up and even some heroism. Amongst the fleeing Septics there must have been some gung-holier-than-thou geezer who shot down one a Nip with a rifle or something.

But what did Holly so-called Wood do? Stuck in some love interest with Godber out of Porridge’s daughter. And it turned a great concept into a love story with some flickering red and yellow backdrops. Stolen kisses among the upended battleships.

Three words, Hollywood. Tora! Tora! Fucking Tora!

I haven’t seen Enemy At the Gates either, but apparently that’s even worse. Top action spoiled. Now that film could have been even better. Those Commies weren’t smooching, they were eating each other, for God’s sake. SHOW IT!

We know several film people who read this site, so we say to them, make a film of Red Storm Rising, or, cos it’s sunny, the Gulf War, and fill it full of action and suspense. Don’t have Schwarzkopf falling for Tea Leone, or Colin Powell getting jiggy with J-Lo. We want tanks, A-10s and cruise missiles. In the real Gulf War a bunch of US Marines were trapped when the Iraqis invaded a town in Saudi. They called in a shitstorm of artillery to help them get out. What a film that’d be. And all the better because Winona Ryder wasn’t there, snogging the boys and robbing the clothes shops blind.