How come all the asylum seekers want to get to Britain? And when they arrive, why do they head for London? If I was fleeing the teeth-grinding crapness of Eastern Europe I’d head to the Cornwall just stay there. And if they pretend to be French they could probably get temporary jobs shooting garden birds by the sackful or riding those mini moto-type bikes with no helmets.

Come to think of it, why do kids who run away from home because their parents asked them to switch off their multi-media DVD home entertainment centres at 3am on weeknights, always go to London? Why don’t they head to Cornwall, where it’s pleasant, and their ragged clothes and unkempt head will blend in seamlessly with the locals. Also, there’s less likelihood of being raped and killed in Cornwall. Carry a small electric torch and use it to frighten off the locals if they advance on you, their chimpy erections poking out of their sack-like trousers.

Old people. Don’t live somewhere shit. Go to Cornwall. The sea air will do you good and the warmth will prevent you from being lugged out of your flat as rigid as a shop dummy as the first hint winter arrives. And when you notice that most of the cars Cornish people drive are actually older than you are it might cheer you up. Also, it’s surrounded on three sides by sea, so even the most bewildered grave-defier can’t get lost and there are no motorways for dribbling Reaper-duckers to drive up the wrong side of.

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