What is it with people selling flowers in pubs?

You’re in your local public house enjoying a few scoops of loudmouth soup, when you spot a usually attractive young lady with a bunch of flowers in one hand, and one of those blue plastic containers with a slot in the other. These girls are not human.

You might think you can have some sexy banter with her, or that you can make her laugh. You can’t. She’s heard it all and she’s brushed off people like Robbie Williams and Angus Deayton before. She will not enjoy your jokes and she cannot sleep with you as she has no holes. Look carefully. It’s true.

Do you know someone who sells flowers down the battlecruiser? You don’t. Nobody does. These are not real people. They’re clones, or cyborgs from one possible future - I don’t know tech stuff.

Why use these repliclones? Because real women couldn’t handle the waves of drunken flower-rejection they have to endure. Because the last thing we want is to be encumbered with a bunch of flowers in a busy pub on a Friday night.

The worst situation is when you're with your girlfriend and someone tries to sell you a rose - how can you turn down such an offer without coming across like a bird-detesting anus? But you do. You try to laugh it off with a ‘I’d rather surprise you with nice flowers than buy a scabby rose off a hole-less robotic tart down the juicer.’

Nobody wants to buy flowers when they're getting outside lovely beer. But people DO want beer whilst they're buying flowers.

Imagine - you're being dragged round a garden centre by your missus. It happens to every attached man. Even Val dragged Lenny McLean round gardens centres to look at daisies when he’d rather have been pulling people’s skulls off and ramming them up their arses.

To cover your powerlessness, what you’re thinking is, if I let her buy that fucking geranium or trellis or whatever, she might let me up her later.

So in overheated tedious garden centre hell what you really need is a beer. If some big-titted lovely wobbles up with a chilled Rolling Rock, you’d pay through the nose for it.

The campaign starts here.